Fan Girls, In-Laws, and Big Girl Panties
“Why did you want to see this writer in person?” my friend John asked as we sat in the crowded ballroom, waiting for Nedra Tawwab to take the stage. John made the inquiry in the tone of the coach he is, with curiosity and genuine openness, but still, I felt defensive. Why exactly had I trekked almost two hours to get to this talk when I could have easily listened to a podcast with Nedra and likely gotten more value for far less inconvenience?
I’ll share my takeaways from Nedra’s talk, which was expertly led by Rachel Cargle of The Loveland Foundation fame, here, but first I want to answer John’s question.
In my community (therapists and coaches), Nedra Tawwab is a hero. She’s written one of the only accessible and modern books on boundary setting, and her social media profile is one that I trot in front of my clients as the gold standard on boundaries. And I can Fan Girl just like anyone else. John and I, as kindred INFJs (the smallest group of all of the Myers Briggs types in the US), shared our disdain for loud, live music that destroys eardrums and shuts down talking. But writers, there’s my Geek Out lane. I’m a sucker for skilled writers, and Nedra has the Oprah stamp of legitimacy.
Making buying decisions and – even more precious – time allocation decisions align with my values is – as my coach training taught me – a radical act. Ease doesn’t have to be the metric that I always use, although it’s often my default. The venue for this talk was the Eaton DC, a boutique hotel and coworking space, that lists its proximity not to the White House, but to Black Lives Matter Plaza. The person who started the introductions for the evening, when prompted, said his title was Director of Purpose. Gotta love that. I think even more important to me, however, was the chance to stand in the background, admiring a powerful black woman. That felt good.
Like many others, I’ve wrestled with emerging from the height of the pandemic, and crowds still intimidate me. Easing back into large gatherings scares me, and I want to turn towards the edge of my own anxiety in a bit of practicing-what-I-preach integrity. It’s not just sitting on the Metro train and being in group of ~400 people in a ballroom, it’s also centering in-person connections in my life. John and I ventured into a subterranean bar for dinner, one that distinguishes itself as having the “strongest drinks in DC, guaranteed,” which is ironic considering that I don’t drink. I chose it based purely on proximity to the talk, but I don’t like spaces without windows, and that feature wasn’t apparent on the website. Luckily, I had put on my Big Girl Panties and marched down the steps with John’s reassuring company. When we arrived just before the peak of the dinner hour, it was evident that we were some of the only white people in the restaurant. It’s good to be uncomfortable, I reminded myself.
Onto some of the gems that Nedra shared during the evening as she discussed her latest book, Drama Free:
She had some great zingers that are familiar to me, but worth remembering: “The answer is simple, but the practice is hard” when it comes to boundary setting. And “If you want a different result, don’t do what you’ve always done.”
There was a question from someone in the audience about outpacing our parents in emotional growth and other realms that had strong resonance in the room. One of the Nedra’s nuggets of wisdom emerged around this topic: “You can’t make a jealous person less jealous,” she said. “Their jealousy is theirs. Our focus is on our stuff. We often try to protect other people’s emotions, but don’t buy into their fragility.”
She wrote an entire chapter in her new book on in-laws, which is something that I see in my practice soooooo often. Wow is this a hard arena to navigate, but Nedra’s books are filled with wonderful tools about crossing this mine-filled terrain.
There was some discussion about grief and losing relationships or losing the ideas that we had about what our lives would have been that Rachel, the moderator of the talk, raised, and Nedra built on that theme. We all have unlived lives that haunt us and acknowledging and moving through that grief can be very healing.
So, there’s a summary of my latest adventure. Next up: trying to catch the cherry blossoms at the Tidal Basin at their peak.