How about NOT living our best lives?

I believe in anti-optimization. Let’s call it good enough. Maybe a better term is acceptance. Peace. Surrender. An embrace of the here and now.

I started a new job in September, working as a therapist within an employee assistance program, and there’s a distinct theme that surfaced on the intake forms and inside the initial sessions I had with clients. Most people want to be the best version of themselves. I saw that phrase over and over in the goals field and heard clients speak to it consistently as if they were dutifully making just the right choice for themselves.

That sounds great as a goal, doesn’t it? Optimization. Aspiration. Forward movement. Dig a little deeper, though, and here’s what’s often underneath that top layer: self-criticism, unhappiness, and a profound belief that sounds something like, “I’m not enough.”

Basically, optimization translates to a classic tyranny of shoulds, all dressed up and ready for social media, but when you get close to it, there’s a familiar aroma that smells like bullshit. People chasing the self-actualization train are often trying to outrun themselves and their own doubts and anxiety.

Here’s what it sounds like:

• If I’m not taking a stand, I’m complacent.

• Think it, dream it, do it – don’t stop for other people (one of my clients told me that she uses this as her mantra).

• I’m not living up to my full potential.

• If I don’t create my own dream, all I’m doing is slogging to build someone else’s dream (a different client’s philosophy).

That all looks good on a social media placard with some lovely scroll around it, but one of my clients told me, “I realized that I wasn’t playing with my cat this morning because I had a morning routine that I needed to complete. And my cat: she’s spicy. If I can give her my full attention for just a few minutes, she much more loving and snuggly. Plus, I like it!”

I’m delighted to say that her next sentence was, “So, I played with my cat instead of meditating. And I’m glad I did.”

Another client told me, “I’m so tired of the ‘I know the way!’ dialog that swirls around me, especially in the tech space where everyone has to remain on their game, always innovate, always embody energetic spaces.” We live by our To Do lists. “What do I have to get done?” becomes the god we bow to, and this wording and striving and hustle have become so reflexive that we don’t even notice it anymore.  

So, I’m here to gently suggest that we get off the struggle bus at the next stop. Pull the chord that indicates to the driver that you want to get off, and then stand up, and exit the bus. Breathe in fresh air and walk at a pace that feels in sync with you. Step away from the “best self” narrative and embrace the “good enough” truth that’s right here, right now. Sufficiency can take optimization’s place and we can all exhale. And nap. Napping is good. I think I'll make that my mantra for 2022.