What People Going Through Fertility Treatment Want You to Know
Almost daily, I have sessions with clients who are walking through IVF or other fertility treatment, and our sessions often – unsurprisingly – include tears. The source of my clients’ tears vary as do their circumstances, but one theme surfaces with almost every client: the misguided, seemingly well-intentioned comments of people they barely know.
“When are you going to start having children?”
“How long have you been married now? Will we get to hear good news from you soon?”
“Now that [our colleague, someone else in our faith community, cousin – fill the blank here] is pregnant, you won’t be far behind, will you?”
“Why haven’t you had children yet?”
And one particularly outrageous transgression: “Tick, tick, tick – I think that’s the sound of your biological clock that I hear.” Delivered in a teasing, lighthearted tone, of course.
Here’s what you need to know:
These comments cut like a knife. They wound people who yearn deeply to bring children into their families. What to you might seem like benign conversation starters are actually jabs that amplify pain simmering beneath the surface.
You’re boxing people in. The people you’re talking to get to a) Choose to make a generic, seemingly light-hearted, dismissive comment and quickly steer the conversation in another direction, all the while churning inside and praying that they can escape to the restroom to cry; b) Call you out on an inappropriate probe and get called abrasive or a bitch; c) Let you into their private experience and open themselves up to ongoing questions, be subject to your pity and/or end up reassuring you.
Stop asking questions like these and making comments about what may indulge your curiosity or even fall into a well-meaning intention on your part to connect. People will share their plans and news when they’re ready. If they haven’t raised the topic, there’s probably a very good reason, so follow their lead and wait to be trusted.
There’s an implied presumption to your inquiries. This line of questioning suggests that there’s an approved pathway and timeline that people (especially women!) should follow, and if they don’t, they owe you an explanation or they deserve to be chided. Please stop imposing your worldview on others. It hurts.
Your kindness can shine through by simply showing up as a friend to anyone in your circle and listening to them. If they open up to you, it’s because they sense that you have no agenda for them beyond hoping for their well-being. Tell people about yourself if you’re seeking a deeper connection and see if your listeners follow you into that more intimate territory. Most of the people I work with are looking for kindred spirits and listeners who witness with a caring ear.